Turmoil to Peace

Frustrated, and angry, going in circles, I saw no silver lining. Its been days, weeks, months, years, the situation never changed.. When he was angry, he was mad, packed his bags and left, be it in the middle of the night, didn't matter if I was pregnant, or alone. This has happened countless times in our married first 1 year. He maintained more than a diary, to keep track of all my wrong doings. datewise, timewise. He was disappointed in me. He felt cheated, he must have been a friend of King Solomon, he wrote all the verses about the wives on Proverbs, in paper and stuck it in the wall, doors, bright and clear.

I was no good either. I was at the wits end. I tried everything I can, and as my brother said, I was stepping on his wrong foot. All the time. I couldn't understand him, or agree with what he said. I wanted my way, for my way was 'always' right. So that was north pole and south pole trying to stay together.

My PPD must have been worse. I couldn't take it anymore. I kept the passion of Christ Jesus as my wallpaper in my phone, to look at what he silently went through. The pain, the shame. I thought I was doing the same, but I was just piling up. I had a sister whom I was lamenting on the phone daily. But it just aggravated me to the core.

He turned up once with poison in a bottle and wanted me to pour it down his throat. He did not turn up for our first baby birthday. It was constant fight, that can be heard on the streets. I lived in constant fear. What he will say or do. It was like a mad house. Banging, screaming.I couldn't take it any longer.

I called 108. Police came and tried to talk and left. I still no longer felt secure. I wasn't sure what he will do. Next morning he packed his bag and left. For the next 8 months, there was no communication. No calls. Not even with my in-laws. I prayed God for strength, to be a single mom. I also said, well Lord I took a leap into your arms and I trust you will take care of me.

I had been to counselling when my baby was 5 months. Just me. They had given me some books, and to pray diligently. Somewhere I learnt to create 10 custom points for my husband. For him to know the depth of love of Christ, his renewed mind, his health, work, friends, anger, forgiveness, lamentation.. Slowly, I started praying for my self on the same points. I was no good either. I had drifted far off and my heart was so stone cold from Christ.

8 months later, he came, bringing his sister's wedding invitation. All my nerves, said he came for his status before his family and town. But I knew, it was God. Nothing much seemed to have changed.. but God was still working on me and him.. Its been 4+ years now, He has not walked out of the house. He made me burn all his diary ( the ones he kept track of) a week after the first birthday of my second child. He since starts his prayer, thanking God for giving me as his wife, and the children. I have changed too. God has helped erase all the past. He mended, what I thought was broken. He has made trust grow tall and wide. God has been the center of our lives. My relationship with God, grew slowly, and with my husband steadily. We know who the enemy is and He fights our battle.