Handling difficult Inlaws.. A discussion

[5:17 PM, 7/14/2020] c: Dear sisters need some prayer support and practical tips to handle my in laws. They are here full time due to lockdown and my mom is also here as I am a new mom. But my in laws are very particular about food and want fresh cooked every meal and many items. My mil keeps scolding me saying my fil will not eat this that u should learn to cook how he likes and many other stuff. Now I joined office and am too busy but now also same issues. Sometimes it is very depressing. My mom is also always crying seeing me getting scolding. Today when my mil scolded mom was also there and she asked why scolding her. That's all a big quarrel at home.
[5:57 PM, 7/14/2020] J: No big suggestion to say except to pray about harmony. Some foodies will be like that and they have been like that and they tightly keep their ancestral thing about adapting to it until the end.So no point arguing except trying to get help from mom and MIL of course. There are some easy cooking techniques available like OPOS. Our Shocker Juliet is also an Opos person. You can get up a bit early (I am sorry to say this as you are a new mom and a working one too ) and you can Opos few dishes in less than 30 minutes if you plan it well. Try for a change and see if this helps. Again, pls don’t take it as a burden to the level it spoils your inner peace.
[6:19 PM, 7/14/2020] J : Prayers sisters. For your in laws to understand your pain and their hearts to soften and look at you as their own daughter.
You can talk to your hubby explaining that you resumed work so cooking every meal is not possible as you have to work. And that you can prepare in the morning as you would go to office. You can also explain hubby politely  your feeling how something they said hurt you rather just blaming person as whole.
[6:20 PM, 7/14/2020] J : Prayers for God's grace and strength to be upon you
M:Sisters as this topic has come up I just wanted Ur opinions regarding the work sharing between couples and family.....I think it's high time atleast we follow and make a change to the generations to come......I have been burdened by this very thing ...I take Sunday class in my church when ever there s meeting/prayer session for teachers all teachers cannot be there or even if they are there hearts cannot be there as to go home cook and other stuffs.....This made me feel bad ... When our hubby goes for any prayer or office work we don't restrict ...more over when they come home they get the meal....but us....even before fasting need to cook keep things set right and then start.....
I really wonder can't we as a believer couples change these things...... Yes I too understand to stop some quarrel or shouting we need to pray and do our part....but I think it's time for a change.
 M: I have seen my grandma ,my Mil and soo many they do all cooking keep things good and they start to pray ...yeah I too admire them ....but I think we need a change....as a couple we need to stand together as one . We both have told in church in wedding that in all ups and downs we need to stand together......in all means all rt....Sorry for long post😛

S
My hubby likes his mom's cooking...  I tell her that your son likes ur cooking only. When she comes to stay with us one week or so she will cook. She feels happy that still his son likes her cooking... I get some free time..

Sh
What is learnt from God is to have "moms goggles" means view them as our own parents and not as mil.. Means maybe not our parents maybe demanding like that as maybe they will not allow us to cook when we are busy.. But if suppose if my dad or mom is the kind of person who wants to get fresh food i would like to get them fresh food just because they like it that way.. So similarly what God has thought is treat them as our own.. And try to follow the command that "Honor your father and mother" try considering them as our own parents. And it has helped me in few areas.. Especially when they seem to speak rude, God used to remind me.. If it were our parents scolding us won't we just ignore and move forward.. It will hard to have that attitude but God also reminded that 'do not be weary in doing good for in due time we will reap good harvest' so it encouraged me that even if i feel like being weary God is noticing and it will lead us to Fruits Of Holy Spirit- "long suffering".. We know people and God expect good fruits from us and yielding good fruits of course needs our commitment to prune ourself 🥴 .. So we can get Gods strength and try our best to serve others as Jesus Himself set an example to serve others and asked His disciples to serve others.. Serving may not be easy but that's what is discipleship.. I speak to myself these words and try to encourage myself to serve them 😬

Joyce:
If your husband agrees out of love with rules stated, then it's perfectly fine as long as you are in harmony.
But each family is uniquely created and designed by God. Same may not work for every family. Marriage can break in a family where elders are very specific about taste and stuff.
Pray to God for discernment and wisdom to handle things at home. For Salome God had given her a polite way of handling it and at the same time all are happy...
 This has been the thumb rule to treat inlaw as parents. Its very very hard. I remember I was trying to by heart 1 Corinthians 13 to practice it in my marriage life. God taught me that I should easily forgive and forget hurts out of love for my in-laws and hubby.

Sherink
True. Each family is diff because our calling is diff and we are uniquely made.. Basically i feel when we are not encouraged or acknowledged we feel tired and giving up.. The lesson i learnt from my mil and mom..
 My dad doesn't help my mom and she has to do a whole lot of work from morning till evening all by herself.. She will get tired but the worst thing is my dad keeps complaining about whatever as does and she will become very tension.. She feels very discouraged and fight starts between mom and dad whenever she feels physically and emotionally weak.. The case with my mil is.. My fil will help her in all things from cooking to cleaning and my hubby loves her mom so he usually acknowledge and encourage his mom.. So i always see my mil as a very cool lady and i rarely seen her losing her temper.. Because she feels loved. she keeps working from morning till night without even a nap in between.. Similar to prov31 woman.. I used to wonder how she is able to do the same work as my mom.. Both are in their 60's but difference is my mil is happy about here life but my mom is sad.. So Holy Spirit showed prov 31 as answer.. Where that lady does so much things and also is appreciated by her hubby and kids..
sad thing is many families miss to encourage and acknowledge the hard and sacrificial work done .. So i made a point to pray that Jesus please help ppl around me to acknowledge me and as how Esther found favour in Kings eyes, please help me find favour in others eyes.. Only prayer can help us 🤓


I தீமோத்தேயு 5:1 முதிர்வயதுள்ளவனைக் கடிந்துகொள்ளாமல், அவனைத் தகப்பனைப்போலவும், பாலிய புருஷரைச் சகோதரரைப்போலவும்,

I தீமோத்தேயு 5:2 முதிர்வயதுள்ள ஸ்திரீகளைத் தாய்களைப்போலவும், பாலிய ஸ்திரீகளை எல்லாக் கற்புடன் சகோதரிகளைப்போலவும், பாவித்து, புத்திசொல்லு

I தீமோத்தேயு 5:6. சுகபோகமாய் வாழ்கிறவள் உயிரோடே செத்தவள்.

I தீமோத்தேயு 5:7. அவர்கள் குற்றஞ்சாட்டப்படாதவர்களாயிருக்கும்படி இவைகளைக் கட்டளையிடு.

I தீமோத்தேயு 5:8. ஒருவன் தன் சொந்த ஜனங்களையும், விசேஷமாகத் தன் வீட்டாரையும் விசாரியாமற்போனால், அவன் விசுவாசத்தை மறுதலித்தவனும், அவிசுவாசியிலும் கெட்டவனுமாயிருப்பான்.


நீதிமொழிகள் :31 அதிகாரம்



[8:08 PM, 7/14/2020]  N:on a serious note, as long as I tried to change my husband.. it never worked.. but when I let God, He changed me and him. We need to have God's wisdom, in how we handle things.. not worldly wisdom.  When I don't push, I see my husband, who would never otherwise, work, sweep the floor, cook,wash vessels, clean a poop, vomit, and do everything.   He otherwise, wouldn't even get a water himself... or clean his own plate.  so I think, we need to surrender ourself to God, and pray for God to help you in every situation. in words, attitudes, the way we carry ourselves.. in our looks , tones too..Obey God and leave the consequences to Him.. something from Charles Stanley. And when God brings about the change, it's more from the heart and more permanent.
[8:17 PM, 7/14/2020] m : Numbers 12. God made Aaron and Miriam to obey or listen to moses... i believe God will fight the battles n we just have to let it go ..
Act in wisdom and discernment
[8:20 PM, 7/14/2020] B:As long we takes things in our hands, we will be anxious and such a headache. Anger and bitterness will follow if we don't see the change we expect
[8:26 PM, 7/14/2020] H: You know what I did! For the first six months of married life I was absolutely silent. I never voiced any opinion. I don’t like confrontation. Because when I did confront I didn’t know how to handle it gently.I was so silent to the point that my mil started making snide remarks that I was a boneless pushover.
And then one day I just made sure I was away from them and called my in -laws. I blew up all over them. I remember saying “you call yourselves church leaders. If I told people in your church how you treat me will they respect you. You hypocrites.” Definitely a low point in my life. Definitely  the wrong way to go.
They didn’t change towards me. There was no love in the family. The things that my in laws did were not ok. But how I reacted to it was…
[8:28 PM, 7/14/2020] H: Yes! And the first thing GOD convicted me about was changing my attitude.
[8:36 PM, 7/14/2020] Sh: I agree Beu... Few tip from my personal exp...
1. Don't under estimate ur strength... God keeps u in the perfect place where u have to grow in Him... Rely on Him
2. Be silent and watchful... Means no need to talk or act against them... But be watchful and get wisdom from God to handle the work wisely...
3. Balancing both work and life is possible and will come with ease day by day... Don't worry much abt wordings of ur in-laws... Just pray to God for giving the forget mind 🙂... Sometimes my hubby used to remind me abt the harsh word my in law used... God gave me that powerful mind to forget everything easily...pray for that
4. No need to express everything to husband but before speaking abt some sensitive topics... Just pray for God's wisdom... He will gui…
[8:39 PM, 7/14/2020] H: I didn’t take it up to the church elders MA! I was just threatening them. My heart wasn’t in the right place. I was so angry and bitter and very very frustrated that I wanted them to know that I could be a bigger bully than them. I just wanted to whale on them and make them feel the way they made me feel. Shame changing is not what GOD is into. Today my husbands relationship with his parents is also very compromised because of this. It’s like I let Satan into the living room of our family home and let him have a go at everyone and everything we are trying to cherish. Speaking up at the right time is very important. But ask GOD for strength to speak with grace and at the right time. Swallowing a few words every now and then won’t kill us. You may not always have the intended reaction from your family but u will for sure find favour in the eyes of GOD. And when GOD gets in and starts playing for it. It will always be the winning hand. For everyone!
[8:52 PM, 7/14/2020] H:Moving in your behalf*
[9:14 PM, 7/14/2020] B : Speak the truth in love.. if you cant say it in love, gulp down some water, and stay silent, asking God to give you the right eyes to see the situation.. and let go the situation into God's hand.. Shake it off and bounce back quickly to be yourself.. joyful, and cheerful.  IF you let satan a foothold, he's going sneak in for sure.
[9:16 PM, 7/14/2020] B: Sheeba's testimony, Joyce testimony on handling the in-laws - has had jaw dropping effect on me. Please connect with them.. they have years of experience.. Sheeba liv;es with the inlaws for 10+ years, with a smile from the heart...
[9:16 PM, 7/14/2020] B and trust me, God transforms us and them.. slowly and so beautifully.
[9:17 PM, 7/14/2020] H: It really is pearls.😁
[9:22 PM, 7/14/2020] She: I have been living with my in laws for 8+ years now and my everyday prayer is for God to give me the wisdom to speak when required and the patience to resist talking back.. Avoid sitting in front of them or staying for long in their presence.. Not all women are bold enough to fight back.. I can relate to you, it's one day at a time. Pray and leave the rest to God. Please send your mom back home, it's hard for her to see you struggle. Ask God to give you the strength and patience to handle your work and household work as well as the baby. Pray over the Bible verse 'I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength' though it is not easy physically and mentally God has the power to make it easy for you.. So that you can do it with joy.. Opos cooking is really a boon you can give it a try.
[9:51 PM, 7/14/2020] She : By God's grace I am living with my In-laws for 14+ yes now... In that first 8 yrs God allow me to stay with them alone for first 4 yrs and then with 2 kids for another 4 yrs... My husband used to visit us once in 2 Weeks... Initially I felt like my life after marriage is something horrible that no other person can lead life like this... But slowly God taught me what kind of life I have to lead and how I have to lead that with His strength... I slowly get to know how to strengthen on Him rather than rely on wordly people... Here I'm saying abt parents too... I didn't share many things to them on my early days but in each and every situation I used to  have a habit of conversing that with God.. To understand His will.. That makes me to come this far and now …
[9:59 PM, 7/14/2020] D: Avoid being in their presence for long.. I have practiced this.. be it in the kitchen or living room.. helps them to have their space /some hold for them and some peace for the wife.. it’s hard as you can’t watch tv / play or talk loudly with kids in the living are etc much .. but these days we have mobile/laptop to check news , connect etc
[10:22 PM, 7/14/2020] m: Good discussion girls...thank and praise God for this support group..wish I should hsve got this support some long 10 years back.....Gods grace sailed the boat in dire times.... but yes trusting snd yielding to His Sovereign WILL is utmost important ..one thing I have learnt is to let go and make them happy...because they are old too and need to pray for Gods grace to treat them somewhat similar to our parents.... when i look back..i don't know how I made it...but God was in my valleys N mountains and His word us so true... i think its good to be surrounded by nice fellowship  ..
[11:21 PM, 7/14/2020] J: Once I felt bad for what I heard my MIL talking to her brother who is also our family friend, I cried t my hubby over the phone when I was at office. After I got back to sense, I stepped into our house and I was pregnant at that time, I saw my MIL crying so badly as my husband confronted her so much. We didn’t speak much and the next day I didn’t know how to face her. But I saw her getting up early and as usual cooked food, packed everything for me for breakfast and lunch just as usual, and behaved so very normal to me. I was confused when I went to office that day. And on this second day when I came back home I saw my MIL talking to my parent asking for their forgiveness that something has gone wrong when she expressed her opinion. It was all back after tha…
 It helps to retain peace. Surely we need help and we can ask for it.
 My friend in US (who is also a working mother) never lets her hubby cook, because she feels there is a growing bond between the couple as she serves food to him, everyday. Many may not agree to this point, but this holds true in her case, as I have witnessed it.
[11:24 PM, 7/14/2020] Jan: Each couple and family is different. One common solution cannot fit all. We need to first talk to Him (God) and then to our Godly friends for wise counsel before we speak something when we are deeply offended.
[11:26 PM, 7/14/2020] M: It's the same here... Still we sit together to discuss... and Everyday we have our morning praising and closing prayer together only.... It's all because the abundant grace... It's almost 14 yrs of marriage ... Praise the Lord....
[11:31 PM, 7/14/2020] Ja: Until 4 years of my married life I was only assisting in cutting veggies when I got time. Now I try to make at least one dish once in a while as my MIL still owns the kitchen space. I try washing our clothes (mine, husband and baby) as much as possible. I felt ashamed when I realised she had washed my dresses by hand (even my innerwear) for about 4 years, without complaining, whenever she saw they were piled up. It is going to be 7 years and we still live under the same roof. As days go by we are matured now to handle things better, and not to mention we pray together.

#ShockerMomTips

We have learnt many things by trial and error raising our kids.. There are many wow, yickes and whew moments.. Many times I had planned to ask, share.. but forget it.
So this is a open invitation, to share anything you learnt raising kids. ( Wives tips- will be posted in wives group) So anything related to kids - could be potty training, or trick in teaching verses, or discipling, share.
Just 2 liner is sufficient.. if u want u can add more.  but share yr learnings, what YOU learnt, what worked for YOU, what God taught YOU. ... and others- please be considerate, and know- that it worked for them, you can try or leave it.. no pressure.

Please add  #MomTips or #ShockerMomTips or #Tips to your post. I will be putting them in the blog- for future.

I'll start the first one #ShockerMomTips
Divya Deepti taught me this. So I got an old diary and wrote all the songs I taught Amy. and on the other side- the verses I taught her. Both have considerably increased.
There are nearly 150+ songs ( choruses) that are in the book. some we have tune.. but having the lyrics, help us sing many songs.. especially in this lockdown, the girls attended nearly 4 VBS.. and God made me write those new songs there, and they still sing it with enthu.

So even if you have wee baby, have a small book, to jot down all the songs that you are teaching them.. comes in pretty handy.

#ShockerWivesTips

  We all keep learning in our marriage, no matter how old we are.  There are few things that are worth sharing.. and others could try it too.

So here's how we'll utilize this space.  If you have learning bulb moment,... or something that you've practicing for so long in married life- which is good, unique, feel free to share that tip.
Could be a cleaning tip, or gardening tip, or BP tip, or health tip.  Remember NO forwards. Only tried and tested, and 'typed by you' can be posted.

So share yr learnings, what YOU learnt, what worked for YOU, what God taught YOU....if you think it will be useful to someone here, share!
 and others- please be considerate, and know- that it worked for them, you can try or leave it..…

 Our first tip is from a newly married shocker.. such nugget!
#ShockerWivesTips
In marriage, I've learnt that resolving any fight or misunderstanding before going to bed is always better than dragging it out. I'm just newly married but this has definitely helped us have a better understanding between us.

Here's one more from another shocker  #ShockerWivesTip
As the saying goes "speech is silver but silence is gold" we can be at peace in marriage life if we remain silent at times when we are at the peak of anger. It's a bit difficult initially. But on practise it will be so easy to handle tough situations. Not only with our spouse but with anyone u can follow the same.
Stay silent when in anger🤷🏻‍♀️😎

  #ShockerWivesTips

Just want to share mine😊, when some misunderstanding occurs, immediately I remember this verse 1 corinthians 13 : 4-7, Love suffereth long, kind, not easily provoked, beareth all things, endureth all things.. So I will pray for love of God to pour on me at that time and yeah God really helped me in many situations.. 👍

#ShockerWivesTips
I and my hubby  often gone through miscommunication... and misunderstand each other... But we never  pointed out that 'the mistake is yours ....' instead we wait,  first surrender the matter unto God (both separately)... And wait until night or next day to talk about it... And thank God we never fought that time, but only felt sorry...

#ShockerWivesTips

Tips for home making -People like me who remember what needs to be bought only when we enter kitchen and later forget,can pen down in a book kept there..esp during lock down we cannot go to shops as and when needed..Hope this is helpful for few..(I know many might have tips like this which would help each other..plz share ur best practices for home making just like we do in the corporate😃

#ShockerWivesTips

 I used to follow this,sticked bunch of papers and pen their in Fridge (inside kitchen ) to easily make note of the needed list

🙂👍

#ShockerWivesTips

When i do vessels washing,

I used to praise God

'Senaigalin karthar parisudhar parisudhar'...Lord you are Holy Holy...and will enjoy doing this task...🙂 💐

Also, as water poured in our hands i used to think my hands are taking bath...i do it joyfully 🙂

on divorce

[10/25/2019, 8:20 PM] Ka: In my friends list whom I move really close with, I know 4 people who are divorcees,  like they ended their marriage within an year and the saddest part is all the 4 are Christians. Any thoughts on this ? I am truly disturbed .

[10/25/2019, 8:34 PM] Ja: It is a disturbing fact that the tolerance level is going down. World might say lot of reasons, but we know, it is God who binds the couple.

[10/25/2019, 8:34 PM] Ja: Our responsibility is to seriously pray for them so God can bring a breakthrough in their lives

[10/25/2019, 8:35 PM] Ja: Satan does not like happy families

[10/25/2019, 8:35 PM] Ja: Do you think they would like to give one more try? You can route to marriage enrichment courses which last for few weeks.

[10/25/2019, 8:36 PM] Ja: I am sure they will be touched many times before the course gets over

[10/25/2019, 8:38 PM] Ha: This shows how important pre marital counselling is..... People have a rosy and jaded impression of marriage and are not able to handle reality. Christian principles on how to stay in a marriage or even finding a life partner are not really preached about around here because it might upset traditionalism.

[10/25/2019, 8:39 PM] Ja: Our elders still ask why enrichment sessions are there. They feel people are trying to make money out of the families that go smooth

[10/25/2019, 8:39 PM] Ja: But the thing is, they help us to move from one stage to other

[10/25/2019, 8:41 PM] Ha: It’s sad because some girls get married for freedom and some guys get married for status and respect. 

Where is GOD in all this?

[10/25/2019, 8:44 PM] Ju: I saw somewhere.. marriage is like a triangle.. the top point of the triangle is GOD.. the other two are husband and wife.. only when the couple seek the LORD, they will stay united.. otherwise, they get separated from each other.. 

*pray together to stay together*.. 

Bro.Mohan shared in one of the messages that the Christian marriages are the targets by Satan these days.. so we desperately need GOD’s guidance and counsel.. 

What I personally believe is, except for sexual immorality, we shouldn’t seek divorce.. as per Bible.. so any problem between husband and wife other than sexual immorality can be sorted out..

[10/25/2019, 9:03 PM] Ha: Even for sexual immorality the Bible says if u are hardened of heart then get a divorce (in the old test) after the Israelites  kept pushing and pressing for legal separation.

God equates the relationship between the church and HIM as one between a bride and the bride groom. On a consistent basis HE forgives us and accepts us. The book of Hosea gives an in-depth account of how GOD wants to forgive and accept HIS people. 

When GOD can assure me that HE will come for me and accept me no matter what..... Shouldn’t that be the standard I set for myself too. And not  just in marriage..... 

DISCAIMER: I understand this is a sensitive topic and can have many many sides. Theologically mappings it..... This is my 2bit.

[10/25/2019, 9:41 PM] Ju: Yeah.. you’re right 👍🏽

but despite being strong believers, I hardly see forgiveness and love within families.. (in several not all).. though they know the characteristics of GOD and strong knowledge of Bible including strong relationship with GOD.. 

I shared it because I know a girl, who is a believer, had issues with her husband because of her in-laws.. she wanted to get out of the marriage.. then she got to speak to an elder woman who said to her about divorce except for sexual immorality.. so she continued in prayer for her marriage and quit the thought of seeking divorce.. the LORD mended the broken relationship.. now she is happily living with her husband.. at least that helped her to stay in the marriage.. 

As you said, it does have many sides.. whatever it is, stay strong in the LORD.. pray for your marriage everyday without fail though have happy life.. hold on true to the covenant we made in HIS presence on our wedding.. these r the lessons I learned..

[10/25/2019, 10:23 PM] Th: The hidden reasons so far I see for many marriages to fail

1.Women empowerment used in the wrong sense to motivate the thought that I can earn and take care of myself and I don't want to waste time fixing this troublesome marriage.. 

2.Parents who keep telling the daughter that she need not take this anymore and she can lead her life with the parents support. 

3.Marriages are taken for a toss when the couple live in geographically different locations immediately after marriage for various reason. (whatso ever may be the situation the couple should try not to be separated for more than 6months.. This is applicable for all experienced couples too)

[10/25/2019, 10:31 PM] Th: 4.Most unhappy marriages have their fingers pointed to In-laws issue.. This is a very sensitive topic again and varies from one family to another ..God has clearly mentioned each ones role in a family.. But we have to wait on God for people to understand and make the right decision.

[10/25/2019, 10:46 PM] Pr: I think this is either in "God is a matchmaker" book by derek Prince or "this momentary marriage" by John piper

[10/25/2019, 10:48 PM] Pr I recently was doing research in this topic.. as few of my colleagues and church frd s going thro divorce.. n i heard in many sermons.. tat even sexual morality s not a reason for divorce.. in original version of bible text.. it's mentioned as immorality before marriage. It's allowed as Joseph was trying to do with Mary.

[10/25/2019, 10:50 PM] Pr: So wat i heard is tough for anyone going through rough time... Divorce s not at all allowed in bible even for sexual immorality

[10/25/2019, 11:06 PM] Ro: In other words, divorce is permitted in cases of sexual immorality but not commanded. You can choose to forgive and mend the broken relationship.

[10/25/2019, 11:13 PM] Pr: https://youtu.be/h5CtfT-MqgA

10/25/2019, 11:30 PM] Rosy Priyan Fshp: 1.Marriage is a covenant relationship.We keep our commitment regardless of whether the spouse keeps it up or not.

2.God himself seals every marriage , makes it official and binding, even if it's a poor/ wrong choice/ out of the will of God.

3.Divorce for drunkenness/desertion/non support/abuse or incompatibility is forbidden in the bible.

If only people understood this, they d make wiser choices and be slow to marry.

5.if a partner fell into adultery, the spouse should forgive and re claim his wife or husband .A child of God is permitted to seek divorce if the mate is definitely committed to a course of immorality and sexual sin.

6.Divorce has so many serious repercussions- kids are affected, economic disaster, public disgrace, testimony of a Christian, wrecks your own love and happiness.

If God insists that the home must go on, then a loving God will give grace to meet the temptations and troubles that married life brings.Since God refuses the right of divorce to Christians,  surely He knows how to restore the happiness and joy of marriage!

[10/25/2019, 11:34 PM] Rosy Priyan Fshp: If your Christian friends are going through divorce or thinking of it, please please tell them they dont have to go through it. Prayer changes things.Power of a praying wife is a good book that guides wives to pray for their husbands. God wants to restore our marriages.